Starts with Goodbye
by AlsLingo
Summary: Surviving didn't always leave behind a charming life.


You knew it would hurt this much. You knew that you would stop breathing if it ever happened. Now, here you are, sitting across an empty hospital bed. His body was taken away hours ago. Leaning against the door in the corner, you turn to see Logan standing quietly, his eyes rimmed with red, with sadness. You think, maybe, just a little he's sadder than when his own mother died, with no question when his father died. He looks up to meet your eyes.

You know, for sure, this hurts worse than when your mom left the first time. You wish you could tell him that you love him, even if not in the way that he wants. Maybe you're not built for that kind of love, and you think what a shame because it sucks being alone.

Logan moved slowly to stand beside you, finally to kneel in front of you. He whispers something you can't quite hear, because you're not here. You haven't been here in six years. He looks at you expectedly, as if you're supposed to respond, you reply thickly, you don't care. Because you don't, not about what he said, about where you're going, or what will happen.

You just want to run away, you need to run away and pretend that this never happened. Maybe if you close your eyes and open them slowly life will be back again. You think maybe if you keep your eyes closed tight your wishes will all come true. You'll go home and your dad will be waiting, with a smile and a hug; he's always there, always around when you need him. And now you're sorry, sorrier now more than ever because you should have been there. You should have waited for him to call.

Lonely never felt so alone you think to yourself as Logan takes your hand to lead you out of the room. You're an orphan, even if your mom was still alive and she had found you a year ago. She wasn't your mom anymore, you didn't have one. You didn't have a father anymore either, and somehow that hurts so fucking much more.

Wallace was waiting out beside the door, waiting for what you haven't figured out. Maybe to make sure you're ok, maybe to tell you that you'll be ok. But you're not sure, you're not sure of anything but that you're alone and you don't want to be alone anymore.

Logan, you say softly, he turns quickly, you tell him you don't want to go home. Not anymore, not that place where you used to live. Home didn't exist anymore; home went with your father. He nods, wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

You walk out of the hospital; you're ashamed just a little, because you're actually sorry that you didn't die with your father. You glance over at Logan who's watching you intently, he expects for you to say something, for you to tell him that you're ok or that you'll eventually be ok. Maybe some day you figure, maybe some day you'll agree with your head, but today you're certain that this feels too alone and your heart is broken in two and you can't seem to find all the pieces to put it back together.

Logan reaching over holds your hand, silently confessing that you're not alone, that he and Wallace are gonna stick around for awhile, make sure you're ok. Maybe this time, you can believe in what they say. Maybe eventually it will be ok, but you're not sure and you're too sad to care.

He pulls away in his black Range Rover. You drive down the Pacific Coast Highway, as the memories flood back. You don't smell bacon this time; you just smell loneliness and fear.

Finally, the dusty blue enters your view and you yell for him to stop, the beach. You want to see the ocean again. You want to rush in and forget what happened. You run, leaving your clothes on. He yells your name, running after you.

The water feels warm to you; or maybe you're too cold to care. Slowly, you reach the perfect spot to fall away. You drift down, slowly, until there's too much distance between you and the air, between life and death. You suddenly feel lighter, the pain it drifts out of your body. The force of the tug pulls you up.

Logan wraps his arms around you, yelling at you, but you don't care. Not anymore. He tells you he loves you and you think you feel the same way. He tells you that you're going to be ok and you can't agree, but you'll try.

He promises to never leave you and you think that, that promise is stale. Because you don't believe in promises, people leave anyways.

You look in his eyes, seeing his worry, seeing his love and seeing his pain. You think you might look the same, you know, he knows in the end, this is the way it always happens, this is the way it always hurts. If you let go, you might loose your footing and this time, at this moment you can't stand to lose much more before you break. You take relief in his arms and you take his love because it's warm now and you're tired of being cold.

He pulls you closer, even though you're already close. You think you might, just might let him hang on and you think you might hang on in return. You know your dad would hate for you to hurt like this. You know you're sorry that he would be sad to think of you so scared. But he's not here, he's not here to make it ok again.

So you'll just take what you can get, and Logan's all there's left. Except there's Wallace, and Mac, even Dick who didn't have much either. Maybe you could let them keep you, and hold you and tell you that you're strong. Maybe eventually you'll be ok, and you'll smile again.

He pulls you out of the water, on to the sand. Logan drops his arms from your shoulders, because he's trying. Trying to give you the space you think you need and trying to tell you that you can do this, but you don't agree, because this, this is too hard and the road it's too damn lonely.

He watches you carefully, you watch the ocean. You hate Neptune, except you know that you don't. Because you fell in love, you were happy once upon a time and destroyed in this town. Somewhere your dad was happy, some day you just might be. You don't give up because it's not in you to. You fight back.

Logan reaches over and holds your hand, you look at him, he sees the shock and the pain and torture, you feel the tears falling and he reaches over and pulls you to his body and holds you. Holds you until every last tear are dry. You look down, your clothes are wet, the pain in your heart hurts more and you close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Maybe, just maybe you need to rest. Maybe they are right, maybe you need to let go. Maybe you need a change, because you've heard and you think it couldn't hurt to try, maybe change really is as good as a rest. Maybe somewhere the mighty Veronica Mars has fallen and her dad is smiling.


End file.
